Death and the feelings it brings.

I haven't posted in a while, but I recently lost a dear friend that I work with and I've been struggling with how it's made me feel and I know from experience writing down what's going on in my head helps.

Back story

A week ago today my good friend Allan, had a heart attack and sadly died, it was very sudden and everything was done in order to save him but it was just too late. 

My feelings

I have worked with Allan quite closely everyday for 6 months and we became good friends in that time, I work on the first floor so Allan came up to see me that morning so that I could give him some jobs that needed completing as he works in the warehouse. It was maybe an hour later that he collapsed and while the ambulance crew was able to stableizae him enough to be taken to hospital it was there that he lost his life. 

I feel such terrible guilt that he had a heart attack, I can't help but feel like it was my fault, what if I hadn't of given him those jobs? Would he still be here today? Why didn't I check how he was feeling that morning? Did he know what was coming? So many questions that I will never get answers too. I also feel guilty that I wasn't with him when he collapsed maybe I could have prevented it, I don't know. 

I'm very angry that he has died, I know it's not his fault but I can't help wonder why him? He never hurt anyone but yet there is scum on this earth that should have been taken. I've been told about the 5 stages of grief which I have listed below.

Stage 1 - Denial and isolation 

Stage 2 - Anger

Stage 3 - Bargaining 

Stage 4 - Depression

Stage 5 - Acceptance

Im in stages 1 & 2 currently in case you were wondering, I'm finding it very hard to believe he has gone, at the moment it feels as if he has gone on holiday and he will be back soon. Every morning his car was the first thing I looked for to see if he was in and I'm still doing it now in the hopes this was all a bad dream and it never happened and I'll find him in the warehouse. I try to avoid being in the canteen because it's too quite without him and I can't stand being in there when he isn't. It's hard being in the warehouse because of where he died is where I have to work when I'm down there. Everywhere I go at work it all reminds me of Allan and it's currently very hard. 

Everyone at the company has been very supportive and the sudden loss of him has been felt by everyone. People were generous enough to donate money towards his funeral as he didn't have anything in place.

Hopefully in my own time and when I'm ready I'll move through the rest of the stages of grief but not yet, it's to raw to fully believe he has gone. The funeral is in a couple of weeks and I know that's going to be so hard having to say goodbye.

But for now I will leave it there. I may update again soon and tell you how I'm progressing.

If you are going through the same thing then remember you have people around you that care and want to help you don't be afraid to ask for help or write it down.

Take care

Xoxo

Debbie

Review: Ice Sports Water Bottle

Hey

Before I started my job a couple of weeks ago I did a spot of shopping for some essentials for work and along with the Robinson's Squash'D I pick up I picked up this nifty bottle.

We will jump straight in with the review. It's a purple clear plastic bottle that has a compartment where you can pop it in the freezer and have cold drinks on the go.

As you may see from the picture you fill the dark purple compartment which is removable with water, pop it in the freezer over night and when you leave the following day you twist it back into the lid, place into your drink and you're set for a few hours.

I've had this for just over two weeks and I haven't had any problems with it. It's surprisingly sturdy, it doesn't leak and as it's plastic there's no danger of it smashing. They come in a range of colours and you can find these in Poundland for, yup you've guessed it £1.00. For that price you can have one in every colour. If you're in the market for a new water bottle then perhaps check out Poundland.

Till next time

Debbie

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FTC: I purchased this bottle myself with my own money. All my opinions are 100% honest & my own.